Parents: kindness (birr al-wâlidayn) in everyday life
Elderly parents, disagreements, non-Muslim parents, after their death: what the Quran and the sunna teach about kindness to parents, with concrete actions.
A right placed right after Allah’s
In Arabic, بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ (birr al-wâlidayn) means kindness to one’s parents: an active, generous goodness that goes beyond simple respect. The Quran links it directly to the worship of Allah:
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا ﴿23﴾ وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا ﴿24﴾
(23) Et ton Seigneur a décrété: «N'adorez que Lui; et (marquez) de la bonté envers les père et mère: si l'un d'eux ou tous deux doivent atteindre la vieillesse auprès de toi, alors ne leur dis point: «Fi!» et ne les brusque pas, mais adresse-leur des paroles respectueuses. (24) et par miséricorde, abaisse pour eux l'aile de l'humilité, et dis: «O mon Seigneur, fais-leur, à tous deux, miséricorde comme ils m'ont élevé tout petit».The verse forbids saying أُفٍّ (uff) to one’s parents, that little sigh of irritation that slips out without thinking. It asks instead for respectful words, and a humility compared to the bird that lowers its wing to protect its young. Roles reverse with time: those who carried us once need to be carried.
Asked about the deed most beloved to Allah, the Prophet ﷺ named prayer at its proper time, then kindness to parents. Conversely, he counted disobedience and harshness toward them, عُقُوق (‘uqûq), among the greatest sins. Both hadiths are reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.
The mother, three times
A man once asked the Prophet ﷺ who most deserved his good companionship. The answer has remained famous:
حَدَّثَنَا قُتَيْبَةُ بْنُ سَعِيدٍ، حَدَّثَنَا جَرِيرٌ، عَنْ عُمَارَةَ بْنِ الْقَعْقَاعِ بْنِ شُبْرُمَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي زُرْعَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ جَاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ مَنْ أَحَقُّ بِحُسْنِ صَحَابَتِي قَالَ " أُمُّكَ ". قَالَ ثُمَّ مَنْ قَالَ " أُمُّكَ ". قَالَ ثُمَّ مَنْ قَالَ " أُمُّكَ ". قَالَ ثُمَّ مَنْ قَالَ " ثُمَّ أَبُوكَ ". وَقَالَ ابْنُ شُبْرُمَةَ وَيَحْيَى بْنُ أَيُّوبَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو زُرْعَةَ مِثْلَهُ.
Narrated by Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him)
A man came to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and said: “O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, who has the most right to my good companionship?” He replied: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Then who?” He said: “Your mother.” “Then who?” “Your mother.” “Then who?” “Then your father.”
The Quran recalls why: the mother carried her child “hardship upon hardship” (31:14), gave birth with difficulty and nursed him (46:15). Another hadith expresses this place in a striking way:
أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ الْوَهَّابِ بْنُ عَبْدِ الْحَكَمِ الْوَرَّاقُ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا حَجَّاجٌ، عَنِ ابْنِ جُرَيْجٍ، قَالَ أَخْبَرَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ طَلْحَةَ، - وَهُوَ ابْنُ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ - عَنْ أَبِيهِ، طَلْحَةَ عَنْ مُعَاوِيَةَ بْنِ جَاهِمَةَ السُّلَمِيِّ، أَنَّ جَاهِمَةَ، جَاءَ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَرَدْتُ أَنْ أَغْزُوَ وَقَدْ جِئْتُ أَسْتَشِيرُكَ . فَقَالَ " هَلْ لَكَ مِنْ أُمٍّ " . قَالَ نَعَمْ . قَالَ " فَالْزَمْهَا فَإِنَّ الْجَنَّةَ تَحْتَ رِجْلَيْهَا " .
Narrated by Mu‘awiya ibn Jahima as-Sulami, from his father (may Allah be pleased with them)
Jahima came to the Prophet ﷺ and said: “O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, I want to go out and fight, and I have come to ask your advice.” He asked: “Do you have a mother?” “Yes,” he replied. He said: “Then stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.”
The father also holds an immense rank:
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو حَفْصٍ، عَمْرُو بْنُ عَلِيٍّ حَدَّثَنَا خَالِدُ بْنُ الْحَارِثِ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، عَنْ يَعْلَى بْنِ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ " . حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ بَشَّارٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، عَنْ شُعْبَةَ، عَنْ يَعْلَى بْنِ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، نَحْوَهُ وَلَمْ يَرْفَعْهُ وَهَذَا أَصَحُّ . قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى وَهَكَذَا رَوَى أَصْحَابُ شُعْبَةَ عَنْ شُعْبَةَ عَنْ يَعْلَى بْنِ عَطَاءٍ عَنْ أَبِيهِ عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو مَوْقُوفًا وَلاَ نَعْلَمُ أَحَدًا رَفَعَهُ غَيْرَ خَالِدِ بْنِ الْحَارِثِ عَنْ شُعْبَةَ . وَخَالِدُ بْنُ الْحَارِثِ ثِقَةٌ مَأْمُونٌ . قَالَ سَمِعْتُ مُحَمَّدَ بْنَ الْمُثَنَّى يَقُولُ مَا رَأَيْتُ بِالْبَصْرَةِ مِثْلَ خَالِدِ بْنِ الْحَارِثِ وَلاَ بِالْكُوفَةِ مِثْلَ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ إِدْرِيسَ . قَالَ وَفِي الْبَابِ عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ مَسْعُودٍ .
Narrated by ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr (may Allah be pleased with him)
The Prophet ﷺ said: “The Lord’s pleasure is in the father’s pleasure, and the Lord’s anger is in the father’s anger.”
Scholars understand this hadith as applying to both parents, the mother having an even greater right according to the preceding hadith.
Elderly parents: kindness in daily life
The verse speaks precisely of old age: “if one or both of them reach old age with you.” It is often the age at which patience is most tested: the same questions repeated, slowness, illness, sometimes a difficult mood. The Prophet ﷺ showed how much this period is an opportunity:
حَدَّثَنَا شَيْبَانُ بْنُ فَرُّوخَ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَوَانَةَ، عَنْ سُهَيْلٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " رَغِمَ أَنْفُ ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ " . قِيلَ مَنْ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ قَالَ " مَنْ أَدْرَكَ أَبَوَيْهِ عِنْدَ الْكِبَرِ أَحَدَهُمَا أَوْ كِلَيْهِمَا فَلَمْ يَدْخُلِ الْجَنَّةَ " .
Narrated by Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him)
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “May he be humbled! May he be humbled! May he be humbled!” It was asked: “Who, O Messenger of Allah ﷺ?” He replied: “The one who saw his parents reach old age, one of them or both, and did not enter Paradise [because of them].”
Concretely, today’s birr is expressed in simple actions:
- call regularly, and not only when you need something;
- accompany them to the doctor, help them with administrative procedures or with their phone;
- listen to their memories, even ones already heard, and ask their advice;
- look after their comfort, their dignity and their privacy, especially in cases of disability or dependence.
When care goes beyond what the family can manage, turning to home help or a suitable facility can be a way of watching over them, provided one remains present: visits, calls, attention to the quality of care. Caregivers, too, have the right to rest and to ask for support.
When we disagree
Loving one’s parents does not mean accepting everything. The Quran sets a clear limit, while maintaining gentleness:
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ ﴿14﴾ وَإِن جَٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًۭا ۖ وَٱتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ﴿15﴾
(14) Nous avons commandé à l'homme [la bienfaisance envers] ses père et mère; sa mère l'a porté [subissant pour lui] peine sur peine: son sevrage a lieu à deux ans. «Sois reconnaissant envers Moi ainsi qu'envers tes parents. Vers Moi est la destination. (15) Et si tous deux te forcent à M'associer ce dont tu n'as aucune connaissance, alors ne leur obéis pas; mais reste avec eux ici-bas de façon convenable. Et suis le sentier de celui qui se tourne vers Moi. Vers Moi, ensuite, est votre retour, et alors Je vous informerai de ce que vous faisiez».One does not obey them if they ask to disobey Allah, but one stays with them “in a proper manner.” In life choices (studies, career, marriage, place of living), respectful dialogue is the way: explain, listen to their fears, look for a compromise, avoid raising your voice.
One day, a man came to the Companion Abu ad-Darda’ (may Allah be pleased with him): his mother was asking him to divorce his wife. Abu ad-Darda’ did not decide for him; he merely reminded him of the words of the Prophet ﷺ: “The parent is the middle gate of Paradise: it is up to you to lose it or to preserve it” (at-Tirmidhi no. 1900).
Non-Muslim parents
Verse 31:15 speaks precisely of parents who invite their child to polytheism: even then, the Quran asks us to accompany them properly in this world. Asma’ bint Abi Bakr (may Allah be pleased with her) was once visited by her mother, who was not Muslim. She asked the Prophet ﷺ whether she should keep the bond with her; he replied: “Yes, maintain the bond with your mother.” This account is reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.
For a convert, this can translate into regular visits, gifts, presence at important moments, patience in the face of misunderstanding. The best way to speak to them about Islam often remains example: a child who has become gentler, more reliable and more attentive.
After their death: a bond that continues
Kindness does not stop at death. The Prophet ﷺ explained what continues to benefit a deceased person:
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ أَيُّوبَ، وَقُتَيْبَةُ، - يَعْنِي ابْنَ سَعِيدٍ - وَابْنُ حُجْرٍ قَالُوا حَدَّثَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ، - هُوَ ابْنُ جَعْفَرٍ - عَنِ الْعَلاَءِ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " إِذَا مَاتَ الإِنْسَانُ انْقَطَعَ عَنْهُ عَمَلُهُ إِلاَّ مِنْ ثَلاَثَةٍ إِلاَّ مِنْ صَدَقَةٍ جَارِيَةٍ أَوْ عِلْمٍ يُنْتَفَعُ بِهِ أَوْ وَلَدٍ صَالِحٍ يَدْعُو لَهُ " .
Narrated by Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him)
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “When a person dies, his deeds come to an end, except for three: ongoing charity, knowledge from which people benefit, or a righteous child who prays for him.”
Steps
Pray for them, notably with the Quranic supplication: Rabbi rham-humâ kamâ rabbayânî saghîrâ, “My Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me when I was small” (17:24).
Ask Allah’s forgiveness for them, regularly, in your own words.
Give charity in their name, preferably lasting: a well, a book, support for a child.
Settle their debts and honor the commitments they had made.
Keep the bond with their relatives and friends, and visit them.
Live by the good they passed on to us: this too is a way of extending their work.
If one regrets not having been present enough during their lifetime, the door remains open: repentance, supplication and charity make it possible to keep honoring them.
Going further
- Reflect on the verses about parents: Surah al-Isra’, verses 23 and 24.
- The family guide on everyone’s rights.
- Good manners within the family in Riyad as-Salihin.
- Another essential bond: The couple, gentleness and communication.
Questions fréquentes
What does birr al-wâlidayn mean?
It is kindness to one’s parents: an active goodness made of respect, help, gentleness and presence. The Quran places it right after the worship of Allah (17:23), and the Prophet ﷺ named it among the deeds most beloved to Allah.
Must one obey one’s parents in everything?
No. One does not obey one’s parents if they ask to disobey Allah, but one remains kind to them (31:15). In permitted choices, such as marriage or studies, scholars differ on the extent of obedience: for a specific situation, consult a qualified person.
How should one behave with non-Muslim parents?
With the same kindness: the Quran asks us to accompany them “in a proper manner” in this world, and the Prophet ﷺ told Asma’ to maintain the bond with her non-Muslim mother, according to a hadith reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.
Is Paradise beneath the feet of mothers?
The saying often quoted in the plural is judged not authentic by several specialists, including al-Albani. But an authentic hadith of an-Nasa’i reports that the Prophet ﷺ told a man to stay with his mother, “for Paradise is beneath her feet.”
What can one do for one’s parents after their death?
Pray for them and ask forgiveness on their behalf, give charity in their name, settle their debts, keep the bond with their relatives and friends. The Prophet ﷺ named the righteous child who prays for his parents among the deeds that continue after death.
Mots arabes de cet article
- Birr al-wâlidayn بر الوالدين
- Kindness to parents: goodness, respect, help and presence, during their life as after their death.
- ‘Uqûq عقوق
- Harshness and disobedience toward parents, counted among the greatest sins.
- Uff أف
- An interjection of irritation (like “ugh”) that the Quran forbids addressing to parents.
- Sadaqa jâriya صدقة جارية
- Ongoing charity, whose benefit extends over time and benefits the deceased.
- Silat ar-rahim صلة الرحم
- Maintaining family ties, which one extends by staying close to the relatives and friends of one’s parents.
Sources et références
Chaque référence a été contrôlée automatiquement : existence du verset ou du hadith, numérotation sunnah.com, degré d’authenticité selon les savants.
- Coran 17:23-24Vérifiéquran.com
- Coran 31:14-15Vérifiéquran.com
- Coran 46:15Vérifiéla mère a porté et mis au monde son enfant avec peinequran.com
- Sahîh al-Bukhârî n° 5971Sahîh (authentique) · al-Bukhârî et Muslim (muttafaq ‘alayh, Muslim n° 2548)VérifiéVoir sur sunnah.com
- Sunan an-Nasâ’î n° 3104Hasan sahîh · Abû GhuddaVérifiéVoir sur sunnah.com
- Jâmi‘ at-Tirmidhî n° 1899Sahîh (authentique) · Ahmad Muhammad ShâkirVérifiéVoir sur sunnah.com
- Sahîh Muslim n° 2551aSahîh (authentique) · Muslim (recueil authentique par consensus)VérifiéVoir sur sunnah.com
- Jâmi‘ at-Tirmidhî n° 1900Sahîh (authentique) · Ahmad Muhammad ShâkirVérifiéle parent, porte centrale du ParadisVoir sur sunnah.com
- Sahîh Muslim n° 1631aSahîh (authentique) · Muslim (recueil authentique par consensus)VérifiéVoir sur sunnah.com
- Sahîh al-Bukhârî n° 527Sahîh (authentique) · al-Bukhârî et Muslim (muttafaq ‘alayh)Vérifiéla prière à son heure, puis la bienfaisance envers les parentsVoir sur sunnah.com
- Sahîh al-Bukhârî n° 2654Sahîh (authentique) · al-Bukhârî et Muslim (muttafaq ‘alayh)Vérifiéla désobéissance aux parents parmi les plus grands péchésVoir sur sunnah.com
- Sahîh al-Bukhârî n° 2620Sahîh (authentique) · al-Bukhârî et Muslim (muttafaq ‘alayh)VérifiéAsmâ’ et sa mère non musulmaneVoir sur sunnah.com
- Riyâd as-Sâlihîn, chapitre de la bienfaisance envers les parents — an-NawawîRéférence bibliographiquesunnah.com
Dans l’application
Cet article est une synthèse pédagogique : il résume des sources vérifiées et ne constitue pas une fatwa. Les détails de pratique peuvent varier selon les écoles. Pour une situation personnelle, consultez une personne qualifiée. Signaler une erreur
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