Raising children with kindness: gentle firmness and example

A responsibility entrusted by Allah

Raising a child is called تَرْبِيَة (tarbiya) in Arabic, a word whose root evokes growth: making grow, nourishing, accompanying. It is not only a matter of passing on rules, but of helping a person flourish, with a healthy heart and good habits.

The Quran entrusts this mission to believers in strong words:

Protecting oneself and one’s family does not mean constantly watching over them or frightening them. The commentators explain that it means teaching what is good, setting an example and keeping away, as far as possible, from what harms. The Prophet ﷺ summed up this responsibility with a simple image:

The shepherd رَاعٍ (ra‘in) does not mistreat his flock to make it advance: he walks ahead, knows each animal, protects it and brings it back when it strays. It is a beautiful image of what is expected of a parent. The Prophet ﷺ also recalled that every child is born with a healthy nature, the فِطْرَة (fitra), a natural disposition to recognize Allah and what is good, which one’s surroundings can nurture or damage (a hadith reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim).

Tenderness is not a weakness

Some think a parent must remain distant in order to be respected. The Prophet ﷺ showed the opposite, and he said so clearly to a man who thought that way:

Mercy, the رَحْمَة (rahma), passes through very simple gestures: kissing, hugging, saying “I love you,” listening to a child tell about his day. These gestures build the trust on which all religious education will later rest. A child who feels loved accepts limits more easily.

Firmness has its full place, but it passes through gentleness, the رِفْق (rifq):

Being firm with gentleness means saying no without humiliating, holding to a rule without shouting, explaining the why in words suited to the age. For moments when patience runs out, the article Managing anger offers concrete actions.

Growing by stages: each age has its needs

There is no magic recipe, but a few landmarks help to adjust one’s expectations:

• Little ones (up to about 6 years): play, tenderness, simple routines (saying bismillah before eating, a short supplication before sleeping), stories of the prophets told warmly.
• Children (about 7 to 12 years): learning the prayer, the Quran and good manners, responsibilities suited to them and plenty of encouragement.
• Teenagers: dialogue, trust, the right to ask difficult questions; the parent gradually moves from the role of coach to that of advisor.

Play is fully part of education. ‘A’isha (may Allah be pleased with her) relates that she played with dolls at the Prophet’s ﷺ home with her friends (reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim). On a feast day, when Abu Bakr wanted to silence two little girls who were singing, the Prophet ﷺ told him: “Every people has its feast, and this is our feast” (reported by al-Bukhari). Laughing, running and playing together do not take us away from religion: they make it lovable.

Prayer at seven: three years to learn

The sunna gives a precise landmark for prayer:

This hadith first asks for three years of patient learning, from seven to ten. The scholars who commented on it strictly framed the second part: never on the face, never a gesture that hurts or leaves a mark, never under the effect of anger, and only after everything else has been tried. The aim is to show the seriousness of prayer, never to hurt. The Prophet ﷺ himself never struck with his hand either a woman or a servant (reported by Muslim). In France, moreover, the Civil Code has specified since 2019 that parental authority is exercised without physical or psychological violence: words, example and encouragement are the way to follow.

The Quran sets the tone for this perseverance:

Here is one possible progression, to be adapted to each child:

The illustrated guide Prayer explained to children and the one on ablution can accompany these stages.

Screens and free time

Screens did not exist in the time of the Prophet ﷺ, but one of his teachings applies to them perfectly:

A child’s time is precious. A few habits help protect it without waging war at home:

• no screens during meals or at prayer time;
• devices sleep outside the bedroom at night;
• clear durations, announced in advance, rather than sudden bans;
• watching together and discussing what one sees;
• offering something else: board games, sports, reading, cooking or family games.

For the youngest, follow the guidelines of your doctor or health authorities. And above all, set the example: a child very quickly notices if his parents’ phone never leaves them.

Example before speeches

Children retain less of what they are told than of what they see. A parent who prays on time, who tells the truth, who speaks respectfully of his own parents and who asks forgiveness when he has made a mistake teaches all that without a word. Luqman, whose counsels to his son the Quran reports, begins with the oneness of Allah, then speaks of prayer, patience, humility and even the tone of voice (surah 31, verses 13 to 19).

Education is, finally, a matter of دُعَاء (du‘a’), of supplication. The Quran teaches this prayer of parents:

Our efforts count, but it is Allah who guides hearts. Doing one’s best, then entrusting oneself to Him, frees one from the pressure of being a perfect parent.

Going further

• The Prophet ﷺ and children: his everyday tenderness.
• The Raising children sheet in the family space.
• Luqman’s counsels to his son: surah Luqman, verses 13 to 19.
• The chapter on good manners in Riyad as-Salihin.